After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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