I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
