we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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