Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
