hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
