Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
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