Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
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