Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
