All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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