Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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