You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
