I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
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