I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
