Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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