I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
It's never too late to be topless.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
