I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Randomize
