I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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