like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
Who did Billy Mays play for?
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
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