I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
