how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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