see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Randomize
