he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
