The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Randomize
