well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
You dont lie about slip and slides
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Randomize
