i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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