Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Randomize
