so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
