??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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