I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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