census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
They should really pass out barf bags in church
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize
