Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
