I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
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