Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
you win again, gameday.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Randomize