He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
