I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
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