Who did Billy Mays play for?
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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