Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Randomize
