i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Randomize
