i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
