I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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