If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
This is the prime rib incident all over again
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
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