im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
