based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
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