i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize
