Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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