i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
