I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
He's a Shit stain on my heart
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Randomize
