This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
we made out on top of his cat.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
