your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
