I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Randomize
