I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
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