My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
