Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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