lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
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