you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
